Leaving is supposed to be the end of it. For a lot of people it is the point where the behaviour changes shape rather than stops, and the change catches them off guard because everyone around them has moved on to congratulating them.

There is a specific legal fact worth knowing before anything else. On 5 April 2023, controlling or coercive behaviour that happens after a relationship has ended became a criminal offence in England and Wales. Before that date, the offence only applied to people who were living together. That requirement is gone.

If you have been told, or have told yourself, that what is happening now does not count because you have separated, that was true once and it is not true any more.

What changed, precisely

The offence of controlling or coercive behaviour was created by section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015. As originally drafted it required the two people to be "personally connected", and personally connected meant, in effect, living together.

Section 68 of the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 amended that definition. The text of section 68 is on legislation.gov.ukand it removed the living together requirement altogether. The offence now covers partners, ex-partners and family members whether or not they share a home.

One limit matters and is easy to miss: the change applies only to behaviour occurring on or after 5 April 2023. Conduct before that date is judged by the old rule.

Why the behaviour often escalates rather than ends

This is the part that is rarely explained, and understanding it takes some of the self-blame out of it.

Control depends on access. While you live together, access is constant and cheap: your movements, your money, your phone, your friendships are all in arm's reach. Separation removes that at a stroke. What follows is usually not a person letting go. It is a person looking for the routes that are left.

Those routes are predictable, because there are only so many of them.

What it actually looks like

Through the children. Handovers moved at short notice. Contact used as a bargaining chip against money. Information about school or health withheld. Children questioned after every visit. Court applications issued repeatedly over things that were already agreed.

Through money. This is the most under-recognised form. Refusing to sign paperwork that releases a joint asset. Running up debt in a joint name. Missing maintenance payments just often enough to keep you uncertain. Taking a dispute to a hearing that costs you more in fees than the thing in dispute is worth. Surviving Economic Abuse has built most of the UK understanding of this pattern.

Through the process itself. Endless disclosure requests. Solicitors' letters written to intimidate rather than progress. Deadlines missed on purpose. The family court can be used as a continuation of the relationship, and a person determined to do that can spend a great deal of your life on it.

Through the people around you. Your version given to mutual friends first. Your employer contacted. Your family recruited as messengers. Social media used to say things that are deniable in isolation and unmistakable in aggregate.

Through monitoring. Location sharing left on a family account. A tracker on a car. A shared cloud account nobody thought to unpick. Repeat, unwanted contact from numbers you have not blocked yet.

None of these items is proof of an offence on its own. That is the design. The offence is about a pattern of behaviour that has a serious effect on you, and the individual pieces are chosen precisely because each one sounds trivial when described to someone else.

The record that changes the conversation

If you take one practical step from this page, make it this one.

Keep a dated log. Not a diary of how you felt, though that has its place elsewhere. A factual record: date, time, what happened, who saw it, what it cost you in money or missed work or changed plans. Keep messages rather than screenshots where you can, because the original carries the metadata. Store it somewhere the other person has never had access to, which usually means not the family cloud account and not the laptop you both used.

The reason is simple. Coercive control is a pattern offence, so the evidence has to be a pattern too. A police officer, a solicitor or a Cafcass officer looking at nineteen logged incidents across seven months is looking at a different case from the one presented by someone recounting three upsetting events from memory.

Start the log even if you are not sure you will ever use it. It is much easier to keep one from today than to reconstruct one from last March.

Where a coach fits, and where a coach does not

Worth being blunt about the boundary.

A divorce coach is not a solicitor, not a police officer and not a therapist. A coach cannot advise you on the law, cannot make a criminal complaint on your behalf, and should not be treating trauma.

What a coach does is the part that otherwise goes undone. Helping you build the record. Preparing you for a mediation session or a hearing so you go in with a position rather than a reaction. Working out which battles are worth the money and which are being picked to drain you. Keeping your communication factual and brief when every message is a possible exhibit. Rebuilding the parts of your life that the last few years shrank.

Our guide to preparing for divorce mediation covers the practical side of that, and if you have been referred to the Cafcass course, Planning Together for Children explains how it works and the ten day deadline most parents miss.

If the behaviour has a diagnosable pattern behind it, our piece on recognising a relationship with a narcissist is the companion to this one, and mental health through separation covers looking after yourself while it is ongoing.

If you are in it now

Free, confidential, 24 hours a day: the National Domestic Abuse Helplineon 0808 2000 247. They will talk through options without pushing you toward any of them.

If you are in immediate danger, call 999. If you cannot speak, dial 999 then press 55 when prompted and the call will be routed to police.

Nothing on this page is legal advice. A family solicitor can tell you what applies to your circumstances, and a report to the police is a separate route from anything happening in the family court.

Frequently asked questions

Is coercive control after separation actually a crime in the UK?

Yes, in England and Wales, for behaviour on or after 5 April 2023. Section 68 of the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 removed the requirement that the two people be living together, so the offence under section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015 now applies to ex-partners who live apart. Scotland and Northern Ireland have their own separate offences.

What is the sentence for controlling or coercive behaviour?

Up to five years' imprisonment, a fine, or both, on conviction on indictment. In practice the sentence depends heavily on the length and severity of the pattern and on the harm caused.

Does post-separation abuse affect child arrangements?

It can. The family court is required to consider harm, and a pattern of controlling behaviour is relevant to what arrangements are safe. It is a different test from the criminal one, and a finding in one does not automatically follow in the other.

What if most of the behaviour happened before April 2023?

The criminal offence in its current form covers conduct from 5 April 2023 onwards. Earlier behaviour is not irrelevant, though. It can still be evidence of a pattern, and it remains relevant in family proceedings, which are not bound by that commencement date.

Is using the family court against me really abuse?

It can be, and it now has a recognised name: litigation abuse. Repeated applications over settled matters, deliberate delay and deliberately escalating costs are patterns the courts increasingly recognise. Log it the same way you log anything else.

Can I get help if I am a man?

Yes. The offence and the family law apply regardless of sex. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline supports women; the Men's Advice Line and Galop, for LGBT+ people, offer the equivalent service, and a GP or solicitor can point you to the right one.

The short version

The law caught up in April 2023. Control that continues after you leave is an offence in its own right, the living together requirement is gone, and the behaviour you are describing to yourself as "just how they are" may have a name and a maximum sentence.

Keep the record. Get the legal advice. And if the process itself has become the weapon, that is a recognised tactic rather than bad luck.

If you want help preparing for what is coming next, book a free call.