Co-Parenting After Divorce: Putting Your Children First

Divorce changes your relationship with your partner, but it does not end your role as parents. Over 100,000 couples divorce in the UK each year, and for those with children, learning to co-parent effectively is one of the most important things they will ever do.

Research consistently shows that it is not the divorce itself that determines how children cope. It is the quality of the relationship between their parents afterwards. Children whose parents maintain cooperative, low-conflict co-parenting relationships have better outcomes across every measure of wellbeing, from emotional health and academic performance to their own future relationships.

This guide covers the practical steps you can take to build a co-parenting relationship that works for your children, even when the relationship between you and your ex-partner is difficult.

What Is Co-Parenting?

Co-parenting (short for cooperative parenting) is the shared responsibility of raising your children after separation or divorce. It means both parents remain actively involved in their children's lives and work together on decisions about their care, education, health, and wellbeing.

Co-parenting does not require you to be friends with your ex-partner. It does not mean you need to agree on everything. It means you are both committed to communicating respectfully about your children and putting their needs ahead of any remaining conflict between you.

How Divorce Affects Children: What the Research Says

Understanding how children experience divorce helps you make better co-parenting decisions. The evidence is clear on several points.

What Harms Children

The single most damaging factor for children after divorce is ongoing conflict between their parents. Research published in Clinical Psychology Reviewfound that parental conflict is a stronger predictor of children's adjustment problems than the divorce itself. Children who witness frequent arguments, hostile exchanges at handovers, or parents speaking negatively about each other are significantly more likely to develop anxiety, behavioural difficulties, and problems at school.

What Helps Children

The research is equally clear about what protects children:

• Two involved parents. Children who maintain strong relationships with both parents after divorce consistently do better than those who lose meaningful contact with one parent.
• Low conflict between parents. Even if parents disagree privately, keeping disagreements away from children makes a measurable difference.
• Consistent routines. Predictable schedules and similar expectations across both households reduce anxiety and help children feel secure.
• Being listened to. Children who feel their views are heard (without being put in the middle) cope better with the transition.

A major study by the Institute for Family Studiesfound that children in shared parenting arrangements have better outcomes across a range of wellbeing measures than children in sole custody, regardless of the level of parental conflict.

Creating a Co-Parenting Plan

A co-parenting plan (sometimes called a parenting plan) is a written agreement between both parents covering how you will raise your children after separation. Having a clear plan reduces conflict because it removes ambiguity about who is responsible for what and when.

What to Include in Your Plan

Using the CAFCASS Parenting Plan Template

CAFCASS (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service)provides a free online parenting plan tool called "Our Child's Plan." One parent starts the plan online, makes proposals, and sends it to the other parent for review. The plan can be sent back and forth until both parents reach an agreement, without needing difficult face-to-face discussions.

This tool is particularly helpful if direct communication between you and your ex-partner is strained. It provides structure and removes some of the emotional charge from negotiations.

Communication Strategies That Work

How you communicate with your co-parent sets the tone for everything else. These approaches are backed by family mediation research and the experience of divorce coaching professionals.

Keep It Business-Like

The most effective co-parenting relationships treat communication like a professional arrangement. You do not need warmth or friendship. You need clarity, respect, and reliability.

• Stick to the children. Every message or conversation should be about the children's needs, schedules, or welfare. If it is not about the children, it does not need to be said.
• Use written communication. Text messages, emails, or co-parenting apps create a record and give both parents time to respond thoughtfully rather than react emotionally.
• Be specific. "Can you pick up the children at 4pm on Friday from school?" is better than "We need to sort out Friday."
• Acknowledge and confirm. A simple "Received, thanks" prevents misunderstandings and shows cooperation.

Co-Parenting Apps

If direct communication is difficult, co-parenting apps can help by providing a structured, neutral space for scheduling and messaging. Popular options in the UK include:

These apps are particularly useful if your co-parenting arrangement is court-ordered or if you need a clear record of communications.

The 24-Hour Rule

When you receive a message from your co-parent that triggers frustration or anger, wait 24 hours before responding. This simple rule prevents reactive messages that escalate conflict and gives you time to respond with your children's best interests in mind rather than your own emotions.

Age-Specific Co-Parenting Guidance

Children's needs change as they grow, and your co-parenting approach should adapt accordingly.

Babies and Toddlers (0 to 3 Years)

Very young children need frequent, short contact with both parents rather than long stretches away from either one. At this age, attachment and routine are everything.

• Short, regular visits with the non-resident parent (a few hours, several times a week)
• Consistent bedtime and feeding routines across both households
• Familiar comfort items (blankets, toys) that travel between homes
• Calm, relaxed handovers: babies pick up on parental stress

Young Children (4 to 7 Years)

Children at this age often worry that the divorce is somehow their fault. They need reassurance, consistency, and simple explanations.

• Clear, predictable schedules they can understand (visual calendars help)
• Both parents reinforcing that the divorce is not the child's fault
• Similar rules in both homes where possible (bedtimes, screen limits)
• Permission to love both parents without feeling disloyal

School-Age Children (8 to 12 Years)

Older children understand more about what is happening and may have strong opinions. They benefit from being heard without being burdened.

• Age-appropriate honesty about arrangements and changes
• Involvement in decisions that affect them (within reason)
• Encouragement to maintain friendships and activities regardless of which parent they are with
• Protection from adult details about finances, legal matters, or the reasons for the divorce

Teenagers (13 to 17 Years)

Teenagers may push back against rigid schedules and want more flexibility. They are also more vulnerable to being drawn into parental conflict.

• Flexible arrangements that respect their growing independence and social lives
• Avoiding the temptation to confide in them as though they are an adult friend
• Both parents staying involved in their education, interests, and emotional wellbeing
• Awareness that withdrawal or anger may be their way of processing the divorce, not a rejection of either parent

Handling Difficult Situations

When Your Ex-Partner Will Not Cooperate

Not all co-parenting relationships are between two willing participants. If your ex-partner is uncooperative, hostile, or manipulative, you can still protect your children.

• Focus on what you can control. You cannot change your ex-partner's behaviour, but you can control how you respond and the environment you create in your own home.
• Document everything. Keep written records of communications, missed handovers, and any concerns about your children's welfare.
• Use formal channels. If direct communication fails, communicate through a solicitor, mediator, or co-parenting app.
• Seek professional support. A divorce coach can help you develop strategies for managing a difficult co-parent while keeping your children's needs front and centre.

If you are concerned about narcissistic behaviour in your co-parent, professional guidance is particularly important. Narcissistic co-parents often use children as tools for control, and recognising these patterns early helps you protect your children.

Introducing New Partners

This is one of the most sensitive areas of co-parenting. Moving too quickly can unsettle children; handled well, it can be a positive addition to their lives.

• Wait until the relationship is established and serious before introducing a new partner to your children
• Tell your co-parent first. Even if you are not obligated to, informing them before the children do reduces conflict
• Keep initial meetings short and casual, in a neutral setting
• Let children set the pace. Do not force closeness or expect them to accept a new partner immediately
• Never position a new partner as a replacement parent

Holidays, Birthdays, and Special Occasions

These are common flashpoints. A clear plan agreed in advance prevents last-minute disputes.

• Alternate major holidays (Christmas Day with one parent one year, the other parent the next)
• Split school holidays fairly, accounting for each parent's work commitments
• Both parents attend important events (school plays, sports days) where possible, even if they sit separately
• Birthdays belong to the child, not the parent. If a joint celebration is not possible, each parent can celebrate separately without competing

How a Divorce Coach Can Help With Co-Parenting

A divorce coach provides practical, forward-focused support that helps you build a co-parenting relationship that works. Unlike counselling, which focuses on emotional processing, coaching helps you develop strategies, make decisions, and take action.

A divorce coach can help you:

• Create a realistic, workable co-parenting plan
• Develop communication strategies for dealing with a difficult ex-partner
• Process feelings of anger or resentment that are affecting your co-parenting
• Set boundaries without escalating conflict
• Navigate specific challenges like introducing new partners or handling school issues
• Stay focused on your children's needs when emotions run high

Find out how much a divorce coach costs in the UK or book a free discovery call to discuss your situation.

If helping other parents through this process is something that resonates with you, learn about becoming a certified divorce coach and turning your own experience into a rewarding career.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the best custody arrangement for children after divorce?

There is no single "best" arrangement. The right arrangement depends on the children's ages, the parents' work schedules, the distance between homes, and the children's own preferences (where age-appropriate). Research suggests that children generally benefit from spending meaningful time with both parents, but the quality of that time matters more than an exact 50/50 split. The most important factor is minimising conflict and maintaining consistency.

How do I tell my children about the divorce?

Tell them together if possible, in simple, age-appropriate language. Reassure them that both parents love them, that the divorce is not their fault, and that they will continue to see both parents regularly. Avoid blaming the other parent. Be prepared for a range of reactions, from tears to silence to apparent indifference, and give them space to process at their own pace.

What if my ex-partner speaks negatively about me to the children?

This is called parental alienation and it is harmful to children. Resist the temptation to retaliate with your own negative comments. Instead, focus on being a consistent, loving, reliable presence. If the behaviour is persistent and damaging, document it and seek advice from a family solicitor or mediator. A divorce coach can also help you develop strategies for handling this without escalating the situation.

Can children choose which parent to live with?

In the UK, there is no specific age at which a child can legally choose. However, courts give increasing weight to children's wishes as they mature, particularly from around age 12 onwards. A child's preference is one factor among many, including their welfare, safety, and the ability of each parent to meet their needs.

How do I co-parent when I still feel angry at my ex?

Anger after divorce is completely normal, and it does not make you a bad co-parent. The key is separating your feelings about your ex-partner from your role as a parent. Practical steps include using written communication rather than face-to-face conversations, using the 24-hour rule before responding to triggering messages, and working with a coach or counsellor to process your emotions in a space that is separate from your co-parenting relationship. Over time, most parents find that the intensity of these feelings reduces.

Should we have the same rules in both houses?

Ideally, major expectations (bedtimes, homework, screen time limits) should be broadly similar across both homes, as this provides children with consistency and security. However, it is unrealistic to expect identical rules. Children are adaptable and can manage some differences as long as both households are stable and loving. Focus on agreeing the things that matter most and accept that minor differences are normal.

Further Reading

• Rebuilding Confidence After Divorce
• Divorce Coaching vs Counselling: What's the Difference?
• How Much Does a Divorce Coach Cost in the UK?
• Divorce Advice for Men UK
• No-Fault Divorce Reform in the UK
• How Do I Get a Divorce?