First Christmas After Divorce or Separation

The first Christmas after a separation is rarely as bad on the day as it is in the weeks leading up to it. What makes it hard is that everything you used to do without thinking now needs a decision: where you will wake up, who you will eat with, what you will say when someone asks how you are. Left open, those decisions get made for you on the day, by whoever is loudest or by the empty hours.

So treat it as a plan rather than an ordeal to be survived. Decide the shape of the day now, tell people what you need before they ask, and give yourself something to do in the quiet week afterwards. The rest of this guide takes those in order.

Why the first one is different

The first year after a separation is a year of firsts: the first birthday, the first school play, the first family wedding. Christmas gathers most of them into a fortnight and adds a calendar that assumes everybody is part of a couple or a complete household.

It also arrives with expectations other people hold for you. Relatives want to know whether you are coming, friends want to know whether you are all right, and the children want to know whether Christmas is still Christmas. None of that is unreasonable, and all of it lands at once.

What you feel in the run up is grief, even if the separation was your decision and the right one. It helps to call it that, because grief is expected to come in waves, and a wave in the middle of the supermarket on the 23rd is not a sign that you are going backwards.

Six weeks out: decide what the day looks like

The practical arrangements for the children should already be agreed or close to it. If they are not, start there: our guide to sorting Christmas co-parenting arrangements before December covers the options and what to do if you cannot agree.

Once you know where the children will be, plan your own day around it, hour by hour if you need to. Write down:

Where you will wake up, and whether you want to be alone that morning.
Who you will see, for how long, and how you will get home.
What you will eat, even if the honest answer is a good sandwich on the sofa.
One thing for the afternoon, which is when an unplanned Christmas Day tends to sag: a walk, a film, a call booked with a friend.
When the day ends. A bath and an early night is a perfectly good finish.

The point is not to fill every minute. It is that you will never be standing in the kitchen at two o’clock with nothing decided.

Tell people what you need before they ask

Invitations will come, and some of them will be made out of kindness with no thought for what the day will feel like for you. You are allowed to accept part of an invitation. “I would love to come for lunch, and I will head home about four” is a complete answer.

Decide in advance what you will say about the divorce, because someone will ask, often at the table. A single sentence is enough: “It has been a hard year, and we are both doing our best for the children. I would rather not go into it today.” Say it once, kindly, and change the subject. People take their cue from you.

If there is a relative who reliably makes things worse, you do not have to spend the day with them this year. A first Christmas is not the time to prove you can cope with everybody.

If the children are with you

Children usually want two things from a first Christmas after their parents separate: for it to still feel like Christmas, and permission to miss the other parent. You can give them both.

Keep some traditions and change one. The stocking at the end of the bed stays. Something new, chosen together, marks it as this family’s Christmas rather than a copy of the old one.
Do not compete with presents. Children notice when gifts are standing in for something else, and an arms race with your ex is one nobody wins.
Help them get something for their other parent. A card, a drawing or a small present they chose. It costs you a little pride and it tells them they do not have to pick a side.
Let them call or video call the other parent at a time agreed in advance, ideally after the morning and before lunch, so the call is not hanging over the whole day.
Let them talk about it. If they say they wish everybody was together, they are describing a feeling, not making a complaint about you. “I know. It is different this year” is enough.

Our guide to co-parenting after divorce covers the longer habits that make days like this easier for children.

If the children are with your ex

This is the version most parents dread, and the one where a plan matters most. The hardest moments are usually the handover, the morning, and the hour when you would normally be sitting down to eat.

Plan the handover as a short, ordinary goodbye. Pack the bag the day before. A cheerful “have a brilliant time, I will speak to you at eleven” is a gift to your child, however it feels to say.
Agree the call time beforehand, then fill the hours either side of it so you are not waiting by the phone.
Hold your own Christmas on another day. A second Christmas on the 27th or on New Year’s Day, with crackers and the good plates, is a Christmas, and children often love having two.
Be with people, or be usefully busy. Friends who have a spare seat, a long walk with someone, or volunteering. If you would like to volunteer, ask now rather than in Christmas week, because many charities fill their Christmas rotas early.
Steer clear of social media for the day. It shows you everybody else’s best moment, in a year when yours is not available.

Be careful with drink. A glass with lunch is fine; an empty afternoon with an open bottle is how a sad day becomes a much worse evening.

If you are spending it alone

Some people choose a quiet Christmas on their own, and for some it is simply how this year has fallen. Either way, give it some shape.

Get outside in daylight, even briefly. Cook or order something you actually like rather than a scaled down version of the old meal. Make two or three calls at times you choose. And allow yourself to stop treating it as a special day at all, if that is easier. Nobody is marking you on it.

The week between Christmas and New Year

The days between Boxing Day and New Year are the ones people forget to plan. The children may be away, work is closed, and every routine that usually carries you through a week has stopped.

Put two fixed things in that week: a morning with a friend, a trip, a job you have been putting off around the house. Decide in advance how you will see in New Year, even if it is in bed by ten with the radio on.

And do not make large decisions in that week. A low evening on the 29th is not the moment to message your ex, sell the house or sign anything. January comes quickly enough: our piece on Divorce Day and what January really means for separations explains why the new year is a better time to plan than to act in a rush.

When it is more than a hard day

Feeling sad, flat or tearful over a first Christmas is normal. Feeling that you cannot keep yourself safe is not something to wait out.

If you need to talk to someone at any hour, Samaritans (opens in a new tab) answers on 116 123, free, 24 hours a day, every day of the year, Christmas Day included. In England, NHS 111 has a mental health option for urgent help, and the NHS sets out where to get urgent help for your mental health (opens in a new tab). If someone’s life is at risk, call 999.

For the longer stretch beyond the holiday, our guide to mental health and divorce covers what helps over months rather than days.

The plan on one page

When	Decide	Done when
Mid November	Where the children are each day	It is agreed in writing with your ex
Late November	Your own plan for Christmas Day, hour by hour	You know where you wake up and who you will see
Early December	What you will say when people ask	You have one sentence ready
Early December	Your second Christmas, if the children are away on the day	It has a date and a plan
Week before	Handover, bags and call times	Everyone knows the times
27 to 31 December	Two fixed plans for the quiet week	They are in the diary
New Year’s Eve	How you will see it in	You have chosen, not drifted

Frequently asked questions

Is it normal to dread the first Christmas after a divorce?

Yes. The run up is often harder than the day itself, because every arrangement that used to be automatic now needs a decision. Making those decisions early takes much of the dread out of it.

Should we spend Christmas Day together for the children’s sake?

Only if both of you can keep it calm and friendly for the whole day. Children notice tension far more than they notice who is in the room, and a strained Christmas together can be harder for them than two relaxed ones apart. If you do it, keep it short and agree the plan beforehand.

How do I cope with Christmas Day without my children?

Plan the day around the handover and an agreed call time, be with people or be usefully busy for the hours in between, and hold your own Christmas with the children on another day. The parents who struggle most are usually the ones who left the day open.

What should I say to relatives who ask about the divorce?

Prepare one sentence, say it kindly, and move the conversation on. You do not owe anybody the details at the dinner table, and most people are relieved to be given a simple answer.

Should my children buy a present for their other parent?

If they want to, help them. It tells them that loving both parents is allowed, which matters more to them in the first year than almost anything else you can do.

Does the second Christmas get easier?

For most people, yes. By the second year the arrangements have usually been tested once, the children know what to expect, and the traditions you started the first time have become your own.

Getting through this one

You do not have to enjoy this Christmas. You only have to get through it with your plans intact and your children reassured, and that is far more achievable than it feels in November.

If you would like help making the plan, or with what comes after it, book a free call. A divorce coach can help you work out what you need from the next few weeks and how to ask for it.